out of the loop
So everybody's excited about the new harry potter movie. Lots of people I know have seen it, and apparently it's the best of the bunch. It kinda makes me want to like harry potter more than I do, so I could dig going to see it, and being excited about harry getting into some kind of trouble because the school wants to stop him from trying to (find a rock/find a room/find an escaped convict/be in a tournament) because he's (too young/too inexperienced/doesn't know what's good for him), but he continues on because he's (smarter than he looks/really talented at being sorcerously/destined to fall ass-backwards into whatever he's looking for) and ultimately has to confront an (incarnation of/ghost of/lackey of/reincarnation of) the evil wizard guy, succeeds despite overwhelming odds and (repeated assassination attempts by the faculty/giant monsters/evil faculty/giant spiders/more evil faculty/that guy that turns into a rat/MORE evil faculty).

Not to mention the (kind of scary/usually hilarious/sometimes poignant/but always heartwarming) antics his friends land him in, even though one's (kind of retarded/a whiner/a pussy/sometimes a douchebag) and the other is (stuck up/a know-it-all/a bitch/[smarter/better at magic/holier-than-] him).

But wait, we can't forget the (evil teaching position/douchebag faculty members/asshole blonde kid and his fat and lazy lackeys/douchebag and -evil- faculty members/big fat incompetent bearded guy who takes the blame every time something happens).

And also, there's the one or two scenes in the classroom or on the broom-riding game that showcase (inane psuedo-latin phrases/traditional and hackneyed concepts of the occult/overly complicated and practically useless [or at least never used] magical applications/give the aforementioned friend a moment to shine, cause she can proudly say she did her homework like a good little suck-up, even though [there's a killer on the loose/people are vanishing/there's an escaped killer on the loose/shit's going down]).

In the end, though, we can all kick back, and relax as our intrepid hero saves the day and defeats the (incarnation/ghost/lackey/reincarnation) though the power of (love/stabbing a book/the framed killer/love again) and is commended by the powers that be at the school, even though he (explicitly disobeyed orders/put himself in danger/almost got killed/almost got OTHER people killed/didn't actually accomplish anything because the villain doesn’t really suffer setbacks. like at all.)

Now, this is just a glib interpretation of the first four movies, each of which I’ve seen all of at one time or another. I understand that the film adaptations are -adaptations- and that the books are more in-depth, apparently full of wit and double entendres and clever moments (which I’d bank on, as the chick's english and they're all like that), but this is what I took away from the (from my, non-book-read) near identical railroad plots. Harry is great because he's destined to be great. He looks for something, he gets it. He wants to disobey his professors and put himself and others in danger, over and over, OK, that's cool, after all, the most evil guy ever is out to get him, so he's got carte blanche to do what he wants, since it's all going to turn out okay because (say it with me) he's destined to be great.

So take the annoying, clueless protagonist, an annoying, clueless retard sidekick, an annoying, bitchy not-love-interest (which I respect) chick sidekick, a big fat incompetent guy who gets blamed every time someone does fucking anything, an old, codgery guy who's incapable of stopping a teenager from almost getting killed a dozen times. Throw in a running joke about the Evil Faculty Teaching Position, a bunch of regular ol' douchebag faculty (including, but not limited to the guy who WANTS the Evil Faculty Teaching Position and the little blond asshole's dad, plus a sycophantic jackass magical superstar), an entire student House chock fucking full of douchebags (seriously, is it a house requirement that you have to be a fucking asshole to everyone you meet?) and the most evil bastard of all time who for some reason can't kill this clueless protagonist even though he's the most evil bastard of all time. Why? (say it with me again) He's destined to be great (and has the power of love, plus a never-ending supply of Deus Ex Machinas).

Plus, we've got little wands and broomsticks, two witch-related items I’ve always found immensely lame because (aside from being hackneyed and really, really LAME), they take the magicalness out of the characters and puts it in their stuff (which is fine for sci-fi, okay for some fantasy, but not this one because in this case we're left with a bunch of fucking annoying children who can barely take three goddamn steps without fucking something up).

Sorry this not-review went on so long, but let me just finish by saying that if you like harry potter, you'll probably like this movie. People seem to think that it's well written and faithful to the book. So, enjoy. I won't, but that's me. And hey, you knew that already, didn't you. Remember, I think harry potter sucks, I don't think that you suck for liking harry potter. Not anymore, at least.